SUMMARY
Do you and your spouse have a disagreement or an argument that keeps popping up again and again? Something just really annoying and something you just can’t seem to put to rest?
Well, if so, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. Chances are you did not have models in your life to teach you or demonstrate to you how to resolve conflicts in a peaceful harmonious way. I want to share with you in this video, five steps that you can take to STOP Arguing and START Loving Again!
I’m sure that you want to have that love and that sense of companionship or friendship and the joy, the laughter, the intimacy that you had back when you first met, and you can have it again.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Do you and your spouse have a disagreement or an argument that keeps popping up again and again? Something just really annoying and something you just can’t seem to put to rest?
Well, if so, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. Chances are you did not have models in your life to teach you or demonstrate to you how to resolve conflicts in a peaceful harmonious way. I want to share with you in this video, five steps that you can take to STOP Arguing and START Loving Again!
I’m sure that you want to have that love and that sense of companionship or friendship and the joy, the laughter, the intimacy that you had back when you first met, and you can have it again.
The first thing, the first step in the process is to give yourself a shift in your mindset. What I mean by that is, instead of putting your energy and focus on trying to win the argument or disagreement, trying to prove that you are right and your partner’s wrong, put your attention on connecting. The way I put it in my coaching and teaching practice is, ”Choose to connect over being correct.” Or, as one of my students likes to put it, “Choose to be Reconciled over being Right.”
”Choose to connect over being correct.”
Now, this doesn’t mean that you lay down and become a doormat and you give up. Instead, what it means is you put your energy and your focus, your intention, and your attention on staying connected with this precious human being who you fell in love with and chose to make a life with. And instead of combating each other over who’s right, join forces and solve the problem or address the issue together.
What you’ll find is that by bringing your energy together and working on it, even though you disagree on how to resolve it, by really staying focused on connection, you’ll be able to be more creative. You’ll have more of your emotional and intellectual resources available, instead of spending all of them on combating each other.
The second step is to take a beat, take a pause, take three to five deep breaths, belly breaths in and exhale twice as long as you inhale. That’ll help you calm down some and then ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now? What am I feeling now?” It may be, you might think, “Uh, duh, Doyle! That’s kind of obvious isn’t that I’m gonna be upset, right? Or I’m going to be frustrated or annoyed or mad.”
Well, yeah, but by recognizing that, by naming it, then neurologically, the neuroscience of that is that it brings your logical mind online and it sends calming chemicals back to the amygdala and the limbic system to calm your nervous system down so that you can think rationally. And so that you can join together, connect with this person, you love so much. And again, you’re work on the issue together.
So, the second thing after choosing to connect, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”
And then you want to ask yourself, “What do my emotions or my feelings tell me about what I’m needing?”
And in general, when our emotions are negative, when we’re frustrated, annoyed, irritated, and so on, it’s because there’s some need that’s not being met.
Now, be careful here. I’m not saying it’s because your partner is not meeting your needs! Don’t go there, all right? It’s just simply that you have a need that, in that moment, is not being met. And part of working together is going to be figuring out how you can get your need met and how your partner can get their need met also.
So connection, “What am I feeling?”, “What am I needing?”
Then the fourth step is to engage with your partner and ask them, “What are you feeling and needing.” right? Or if you’re in conversation, you could offer something like, “You know what, I hear that you’re upset. And I’m wondering if it’s because you really want to be seen and heard?” Or whatever makes sense to guess in that moment.
And you know what? You don’t even have to be right! When you guess, the fact that you’re paying attention, that you’re making the effort to connect and to really be present and offer yourself, be vulnerable with yourself, with your partner, that will mean the world to them.
And when you make the guess, if it’s not exactly what they’re feeling and needing, nine times out of ten, they’ll come back and tell you something like, “No, you know, I’m, I’m just annoyed because I really want to, I really want to be respected,” or again, whatever the need might be.
Then once you have really heard and understood each other’s feelings and needs, what you’ll find is you’ll tap into your natural capacity for compassion. And when that comes up you’ll be connected even more deeply. And then you can strategize at that point together on how to resolve whatever the issue might be, right?
Once you have really heard and understood each other’s feelings and needs, what you’ll find is you’ll tap into your natural capacity for compassion.
And again, you won’t be battling each other, but you’ll be teaming up, working in harmony, even though you might disagree. The fact that you disagree is not the problem. It’s how you approach the disagreement. So, if you approach it with the attitude that, “I love this person. I’m absolutely committed to staying connected with him (or her, or them), and to work through this together,” you can do it. And believe me, if this old guy can pull it off, I absolutely know that you can do it as well.
So, make the choice, make a decision today that you’re going to commit to practice this together. Try it out. And if you have questions, come back and ask them in the Comments.
Or if you find that, “Hey, you know, this, this worked or, you know, at least some part of it works,” come back and let’s celebrate that together.
All right.
So, oh! I forgot the last step…CELEBRATE!
CELEBRATE!
If you get through those first four step ups, you’re light years ahead of probably 90% of the rest of the couples in the world. So congratulate yourselves and celebrate that you chose to work together to honor your commitment to one another and really maintain your connection in the context of a disagreement.
Okay. Again, I’m Doyle Banks and I appreciate so much you spending this time with me and allowing me to share this with you. I love to share this because I see it make such a huge difference in so many lives. It certainly has made a difference in my life, in all of my relationships.
So Stop Arguing and Start Loving Again!
And I’ll look forward to seeing you in another video sometime soon.
Thanks again. I wish you Peace and Joy.
Now, if you’d like a little help-sheet that can help you remember these five steps, because I know I’ve gone through them kind of quickly, and this might be new to you, I have an absolutely-no-strings-attached PDF. It’s a one sheet infographic that will show you the five steps of How to Stop Arguing and Start Loving Again.
You’ll see a big blue “DOWNLOAD NOW” button below here. Click that and the PDF will go right it into your “Download” folder. There’s not going to be any annoying popup twisting your arm to give me your name and email. We can do that later if you like this and find it helpful. But for now, I just want you to have something in your hand that you can look at and look at with your partner and practice it.
Click the button now and get your copy of the “How To Stop Arguing & Start Loving Again!” PDF.
